Crocodile Dundee: Property Shark

SELLER: Paul Hogan and Linda Kozlowski
LOCATION: Montecito, CA
PRICE: $6,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the mid-1980s a rugged and hunky 40-something year old Australian actor named Paul Hogan starred in a low budget comedy called Crocodile Dundee. Much to the shock and surprise of everyone, the Australian made movie became a worldwide phenomena with blistering box office receipts that one website reports totaled a staggering $328,000,000.

In 1986, around the time Mister Hogan's crocodile movie was released, he was dee-vorced from his second wife–who was also his first wife–and in 1990 married his Crocodile Dundee co-star and current wife, actress Linda Kozlowski.

Unfortunately for movie goers, two more Dundee films followed the first. The second installment roared to box office success 1988 and, in a futile effort to squeeze blood from a cinema turnip, the third was released in 2001. Not surprisingly the third, final, and desperate Crocodile Dundee film was a box office flop. None the less and according to the same above mentioned website, the second and third Dundee movies took in combined gross receipts of $278,993,111.

Given their rather slim resumes on the Internet Movie Data Base, not many people, particularly those in the business of show, have thought much if at all of Mister Hogan and Miz Kozlowski since at least the early 2000s. The couple have, however, been much in the papers and tabloids the last few days and weeks due to some nasty and alleged tax issues back in Australia.

Here's the skinny as Your Mama understands it: For the last five or so years Mister Hogan (and Miz Kozlowski) have been embroiled with the Australian Taxation Office over back taxes...boo-coo back taxes as it turns out. The A.T.O. claims that Mister Hogan, now a septuagenarian, used off-shore bank accounted to hide profits from the stoopid but lucrative Crocodile Dundee film franchise. Although exact numbers have not been released, recent reports reveal that the Aussie tax-man says Mister Hogan owes 37.6 million Australian dollars of unpaid taxes, an amount Your Mama's currency conversion contraption reveals amounts to a heart stopping 33,365,600 in U.S. cheddar. A week ago, Mister Hogan flew back to Australia san wife and kid to attend his mother's funeral and, much to his and his wife's surprise, was immediately served an order by the A.T.O. that forbids him from leaving Australia until he coughs up the cash for his back taxes.

As complex and juicy as Mister Hogan's 5-year skirmish with the Australian taxman may be, it hasn't stopped he and his wife from repeatedly dipping their toes into the real estate pond here in the U-nited States of America where according to the bizzy boys at Celebrity Address Aerial they currently own a home in fancy-pants Montecito, CA that's on the market with an asking price of $6,500,000.

Interestingly, property records show that the Montecito mansion was purchased through a trust in September of 2008 for $6,700,000. We don't even need to flick the well worn beads of Your Mama's bejeweled abacus to see that even if the property sells for its full asking price–which is unlikely in these topsy turvy real estate times–Mister Hogan and Miz Kozlowski are going to suffer a sizable financial hit to their (alleged off-shore) bank accounts.

Listing information for the property indicates the fairly newly built mansion sits on 1.2 acres and is of a "French Country" style of architecture but, frankly, Your Mama just don't see it. What we do espy, based listing information and marketing materials, is that electronic gates swing open to a circular gravel driveway surrounded by redwoods and a front facing two car garage. Surely there was another solution to the garage than to face it front where it smacks people right across the face and gives the front facade a distinct and strong impression of being an ordinary if upscale tract house.

A hand-crafted and carved hardwood front door opens into the entrance foyer that features a tightly curled staircase with delicate wrought iron spindles. The main floor rooms include a formal living room with fireplace and built in shelves which allow it to do double duty as a library as well as a formal dining room all done up in shades of taupe with a coved ceiling and crystal chandelier. Less formal living spaces include a large living/family room with chestnut colored hardwood floors, fireplace, and French doors to the terrace that runs along the back of the house.

The eat in kitchen is a sunny affair with light putty colored cabinets done in a combination of closed and open shelving–which we like–marble counter tops, stainless steel appliances, farmhouse style sink, and French doors that open on to the terrace at the back of the house that overlooks the grounds and swimming pool. The main floor, according to listing information, also has a bedroom and pooper suite for guests or live-in staff as well as a powder room for dinner guest and drop-ins.

Upstairs are three bedrooms each with private pooper. The generous but not huge master has chestnut colored hardwood floors, a vaulted and beamed ceiling, private balcony with wrought iron railings that looks over the back yard, custom designed walk-in closet, and marble and glass pooper.

The terrace at the rear of the house has an outdoor fireplace for taking the nip of the seaside evening air and wide stairs that drop down to the meticulously maintained and unnaturally green lawn. A short hop across the lawn is the swimming pool surrounded by imported Turkish limestone. An adjacent open air cabana has a second outdoor fireplace and mini-kitchenette, a feature we're quite certain our imperious house gurl Svetlana would appreciate so that she need not schlep out into the hot sun every time Your Mama or the Dr. Cooter desire a gin & tonic or other cold beverage. Other outdoor accouterments on the fully landscaped property include an organic vegetable garden as well as an organic citrus orchard, both of which are lovely accouterments.

Based on previous reports, the Hogan-Kozlowskis have long ago decamped from Montecito for Malee-boo where they purchased a 3 bedroom and 3 pooper mid-century modern era house in the guard gated Serra Retreat (below). Records show the property was purchased in August of 2009 for $6,500,000.

There seems to be some sort of bad ju-ju floating around the Serra Retreat that's been tainting celebrity residents over the last 5 or ten years. First there was Olivia Newton John whose man-friend Patrick went missing never to be seen again. She's since picked up and moved to Florida and sold her house in the Serra Retreat that happens to be across the street from titanically rich director James Cameron's compound and right next door to the mansion that pop tartlet Britney Spears owned and occupied when she was married to and split from her baby daddy Whatshisname. It was shortly after leaving her house at the Serra Retreat that she went plum bonkers, a sorry state of affairs from which the entertainer has since rebounded.

The Serra Retreat's most famous resident is–or rather, was–Mel Gibson who shacked up in a sprawling estate with his soon to be ex-wife and their 49 children until he went off and got himself a Russian wench who bore his a love child. Of course, everyone knows the ugly brouhaha between Mister Gibson and his Russian baby momma so there's really no need to recap that crap. Mister Gibson's estate–which we're told is now occupied by his soon to be wildly rich soon to be ex-wife–is currently on the market for $12,750,000 after first being listed at $14,500,000.

Most recently Serra Retreat resident Kelsey Grammer dumped his celery stalk of a wife Camille after 13 years of marriage and two piglets. Soon to be ex-Missus Grammer is part of the upcoming Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reality program so that could get inneresting. While Mister Grammer claimed there was no other woman, just weeks after filing for a dee-vorce he was seen and photographed canoodling and house hunting with a young blond who is rumored to be preggers. It's just so damn cliche we can't stand it. Here's this wildly rich, middle aged, and not particularly attractive actor who trades his 40-something year old wife in for a newer, shinier, and younger blond girlfriend. Gawd. Does it get any more ridiculous?

Anyhoo, Your Mama's point is that Mister Hogan and Miz Kozlowski have had the Serra Retreat bad settle on them like dust on a windshield just as have so many of the other celebrity residents/property owners in Malee-boo's most desirable gated community.

The house in Montecito is far from the first time the Hogan-Kozlowskis have been to the real estate fair in the U-nited States. In They previously owned a 4,518 square foot house in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles that they bought in June of 2005 and flipped in December of 2005. In December of 2005 they purchased a 3,249 square foot house on Riven Rock Road in Montecito that records show they sold in April of 2008 to a New York based couple. Earlier reports reveal that Mister Hogan and decorating mad Miz Kozlowski have bought and flipped as many as half a dozen houses in Montecito over the years. Hope they paid their capital gains.

P.S. If any of the children have an urge to say something about putting some shrimp on the damn barbie we suggest your bite your tongue or Your Mama might be forced to find you and beat yo ass with a wooden damn spoon. Seriously. Just. Don't. Do it.